Some songs that have helped get me thru some pretty dark days.

I miss you so much my princess and there were a couple songs on my heart tonight and I thought I would write about them: I have came to realize that I am in love with the Christian group Mercy Me every song I hear of these seems to fit our situation and life to a tee.

"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

The other one is called the Hurt and the Healer and this one brought me to my knees tonight

gosh its not fair pumpkin.

"The Hurt & The Healer"

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

more about my angel

One of our favorite NNP Stefanie called me and let me know that there had been a change in Delaney, this was 4 weeks into the 6 week time span we were trying to wait to have her tummy surgery, baby girl had blood work drawn and it showed her platelet level had dropped from 240000 to 40000 over night and if you are medical personnel you are clinching your bottom at the sound of that... and even if your not a medical person that means something is using up all sweet peas ability to clot blood or blood was being lost from somewhere either way was not a good sign, and Stef had said her and Dr. Lisa were going to see if they could talk Dr. Carr into going ahead with the surgery and not wait any longer, thats all I needed to hear, I jumped up and we got ready, got Landon to school and then to Chattanooga we went. By the time we got there Dr. Blake our very favorite neonatoligist was on shift and he agreed we should press Dr. Carr, but if anyone knows Dr. Carr he doesnt press very well. He's a genius and I love him dearly. Dr. Carr agreed today is the day so within a few hours princess pea was on her way to her very 1st surgery and Tanner and I was scared crapless. We had been told that they had no clue how much of her bowel they would have to remove and there would always be the possibilty of strictures again once any adhesions were removed. But we dropped to our knees praying for hours and just clinging to the hope that our baby just had to be ok. She just had to. I will NEVER forget Katie and Dr. Blake coming out to tell us she was out of surgery and had done great.. I hit my knees again in prayer thanking the Lord for once again placing his healing and protecting hand around our baby. When Dr. Carr came to talk to us I just wanted to hug him and he looked at me like I had lost my mind :) once again you have to know Dr. Carr he doesn't hug. He told us he had to remove her ENTIRE colon and I about hit the floor, a thousand different thoughts were running through my mind, is she ok? will she ever be ok? will she ever eat like a normal baby? She was ok... she was perfect actually, Tanner and I went in to see her as soon as she was back in the unit and she looked like an angel laying there in her RADIANT WARMER! This was a big deal she had been in an isolette for what seemed like forever. The next few weeks she was still being fed TPN thru her central line that was inserted in surgery. I have never been more happy than when we got the go ahead to introduce milk again! And so the battle with her tummy issues continued. She would do so great for a little while but it seemed like once they would get to certain volumes her tummy would be like ok hold up I cannot keep up with you and they would have to stop feeds or back off them for fear of another intestial infection. It was 2 weeks after Delaney's tummy surgery, I had left for the day and called 2 hrs later like always to check on her and the nurse said ya know she's doing good , she got mad when they did her echo... I was like wait huh? Echo? Why did you guys do an echo? She said just to look for cor pulmonale which I KNOW WHAT THAT IS! So I start to freak and ask why I wasnt notified earlier? and did they think something was going on with her heart and the nurse said its just precautionary because shes been on the vent so long alot of baby's develop this after being on the vent but she said everything was fine no worries. So I didn't I never thought about it again. I come in the next morning like always to spend my day with my princess while my prince was at school, Im sitting in the rocking chair rocking her and singing to her having a great morning then Dr. Lisa comes up and tells me Delaney needs surgery! I FREAK! I am like oh no her tummy? what happened she's been tolerating her feedings well? thinking oh my gosh I cannot relive the last 7 weeks it has been torture.. and she stops me and said no its on her heart. WHAT!!!! What in the crap is wrong with her heart???? She explains that her PDA was open! It had already been closed previously but the stress of the NEC infection caused it to open. This was a freaking nightmare, I'm like but the nurse said everything was FINE NO Worries, Tanner is at the firehall and Landon is at school.. and you are telling me she needs heart surgery and she has to go today.. it was all too much to wrap my brain around. WE WERE TOTALLY BLINDSIDED. She went to surgery again with Dr. Carr and came out again like a rockstar. Dr. Carr came out and hugged my neck 1st thing he knew I was a total basket case. I will write more when I get a chance. :) Love you and miss you my precious girl

the next few days...

So sorry, I posted 1 post then went MIA for a bit. School has been wearing me out but on a brighter note I just finished clinicals whoo hoo and I am 1 step closer to RN behind my name!....

the next few days after Delaney Claire was born are kind of a blur, but I will do my best to remember. I just remember I kept thinking she can't be here already I had barely felt her start to move and had only known she was a girl for 7 weeks before she was here, that just didnt seem like enough time. Delaney spent the next few weeks on medicine to help her BP stablize. She was doing great starting out of the gate, she never lost any weight right after she was born she just started gaining which wasn't a huge surprise to me because bless her little heart she didnt have anymore room in my tummy and the placenta sure wasnt helping her it was in all reality hurting her. She started gaining weight like a champ, they had to put her on the ossilator ventilator to help keep her lungs open. The right upper lobe of her right lung kept trying to collapse which is a scary feeling knowing that your daughters lung is collapsing. Already have been in nursing school for 2 yrs by this point was a blessing in one sense and a curse in another because I realized the severity of this. She was on the ossilator for a couple weeks, which as with any kind of assistive breathing device they are wonderful in the fact that they are keeping her breathing and here with us but not great in the fact that in trying to do its work it scars the lungs and makes them stiff. shortly after this she was able to go back to the conventional ventilator which showed improvement. a couple weeks later they attempted to put her on CPAP which would have been AWESOME if she could have stayed on it. She was able to stay on CPAP for a couple hours before she had to be reintubated. Little did we know one week later, the Ronald McDonald house would have to close due to mold and we would go to the Marriott for the 3 days they paid for then as hard as it was Tanner and I came back home to Cleveland for the 1st night since she was born. Little did we know the phone call we would recieve as soon as we got to Cleveland. It was Carol the NNP telling us that Delaney had blood in her stool and my heart sank, I totally knew what that meant, she tried to keep me optimistic and I was thinking the worse. The next morning it was confirmed by xray that she had Necrotizing Enterocolitis and our lives would never be the same. The next 4 weeks were the most torturous time because Dr. Carr her surgeon said the infection was too new to have surgery and if we did surgery right then there was a huge chance she would loose most of her bowels and the farther out from the infection we could get before doing surgery the better chance she would have of no complications during surgery and she would be much more stable for surgery. This was so painful to watch your little girl be so uncomfortable. I will write more soon!